Sad story

I have chosen between to value words…for what words could have changed time has eroded!

but then, that too is the change by time.

Why could words not have existed when it was their time?

But I then had not made a decision; I remain now to what I have committed. I am resolved. I am true.

Reticence is the wisdom of the matter.

Sentiments can die; true decisions will never.

desiring nought but how to kill desire.

Quench Thou My UnGrateful Desire

Wretched am I. God has given me the greatest blessing one could ever imagine and never earn. Yet, I ask Him for that gift but in a different location. But Lord, I want__…but I feel you don’t…and yet, I still want__…What your will is for me is grand, I know this. I desire to do your will and I am determined that it is your will I choose. But this burden I have is so that I can labour on my knees-but oh how my flesh wants to experience it on my feet. Experience. That is what I want; but you want Glory. I know Lord, I know. Teach me to appreciate this blessing-it is so grand, more than merely a life you have given me the chance to wholly dedicate it to eternity and not to labor for an ounce of transience. How dare I ask for a gift that can indulge Your Spirit within me as well as my self. Your glory-make it my satisfaction; not for my appeasement sake-but so that your name may be great in Sumeria, as I desire to ellucidate to the the uttermost. Whatever country I am with, therein make me content.

Social Experiment Terminated

AH, and here is my flesh.

A post of a more secular nature.

I’m so tired of them.

It’s exhausting, trying to talk to people. Trying to entertain them. They don’t interest me. I amuse or bore them. It’s not worth my effort. We aren’t talking about the things of God, we are wasting time. Sit there at your table. Satisfy the longing for social interaction; let the books in the library rot, meditate on nothing, regurgitate your surmises before they are nurtured in the mind. You are enjoying yourself. Use people, be kind to them for self gratification, then, when they form the attachment adequate for your ego, leave them. That’s what you do-I have observed you do it. Why does no one else see!!!.I implore you, cease coming to me for entertainment! I won’t amuse you anymore. You want words to hear but refuse to listen. You laugh. That’s all you are good for. I’d rather be dejected with myself than to bear this bitterness towards you.

Time is the substance of life, not words.

This is the Bohemian’s lot. contemplating life-the end of which is abruptly met when a thought is voiced; for now it is no longer nurtured in the mind rather regurgitated into the air, and falls to its demise on disengaged ears. I suggest the wonderment, dear reader, what fruit the script this polemic bears shares that fate.  The end of this is merely the existence of voiced thought. Perhaps its relevance is in this reflection: voiced thought is little more than death as the expression of life.

I commit to act upon my conviction-Now

“we are all too easily satisfied.”

So do something. We acknowlege our transgressions, our sin is ever before us. Yet we don’t let God restore our Joy of salvation because we are too lethargic to ask.

‘then will I teach transgessors thy way; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.” (please, read ps 51)

People are dying and going to hell and we are rarely on on knees nevermind laboring on them. Can you convince yourself that it is not your fault? “It’s not your fault no one went to Bhutan, to Nepal, Cote de Ovre, Saint Pierre, Quatar, etc.?” yes, your Lord Jesus Christ, fellow believers, commanded you to pray! He, an almighty God, limitted His revealing manifestation of His Glory to our prayers and our action. What are you and I doing?! Sitting, talking, ‘living’, laboring for the transient and letting the eternal be damned to torment. What wretchedness is this! leaving people in their ignorance because we won’t get on our face and begg God. We can implore Him to give us a car, or our father a job, or our friends peace…but ask Him to reveal His Glory by saving souls from eternal torment? Oh dear, that is far too unselfish. THINK how selfish our prayers (if you can say you actually have a ‘prayer life’ worth noting); Oh, I’m sorry, praying the Lord of the Harvest to send laborers gives the Lord glory and on ourselves. my bad.

I’m going to be a zealot of the Gospel. For His glory, not my own. You say, “you acknowlege, go do.” Oh, I am. Now, and with my life. No, I am not ‘going to merely pray soon/in the future.” It is now and forever. This is not something I intend to do; this is not a brief burst of religious zeal. This is a conviction; this is action. For His Glory, not mine own. I will be anonymous as possible-but not ashamed. I am not ashamed that I am convicted. I am often ashamed of the gospel of Chist -wretched! I am a woman, I will not preach; but I will do everything else that is morally proper for my gender.

This is for myself, dear reader-if I indeed have any. More than it is for you. I don’t expect my anger will insight your own. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. and I pray, oh I am praying, that I get the zeal I should. We are not indespensible. God will have His Glory regardless of our weekness. This is a blessing to serve Him and we throw it in His face! Not only be we miss His blessing but we neglect souls and let them burn in eternal torment because we leave them ignorant of salvation. I’m sure they in the grave, salute us.

Not Mine Own

Romans 1:14-16 I am debtor both to the Greeks, and to the Barbarians; both to the wise and to the unwise. So, as much as in me is, I am ready to preach the gospel to you that are at Rome also. For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

Proverbs 11:30 The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.

Amassing the knowlege of this world is not in the wisdom of God.

A shared sentiment

“I am bound to give myself unto reading, and study and prayer, and not to grieve the spirit by unthought-of effusion.”-Spurgeon

..and yet…

I’m dejected by the vanity of amassing knowlege without wisdom. I am learning of God-I have never loved anything more…but I want to love God; not merely the knowlege of Him. I’d rather have Jesus than merely know much about Him.

What good does knowlege do if I am not applying it unto action.

Souls must be saved from Hell.

Probably-Illegal quoting

Both beauty and goodness, then (no doubt in different ways), exert an effect upon man which cannot be explained in terms of the world that we know, and to this we may add his search for truth. He is not only wanting to know facts, though the careful dispassionate amassing of ascertained facts is surely one of the most admirable activities. But he also wants to find some meaning to the puzzle of life. Scientific research, philosophy and religion, all in their different ways attest this reaching out of man to grasp more and more truth. And yet-why should he? “Why should he not rest content with what he has and what he knows? Why can he not accept death and evil and disease without worrying about them? Why does he, in all ages, and in all countries, reach out to find Something-something which will harmonize and explain and complete life’s bewildering phenomena? Here too, is surely a pointer. Arguing, as we must, from what we know to what we don’t know, we may fairly say that as food is the answer to hunger, water the answer to thirst, and a mate to sexual desire, this universal hunger for Truth is unlikely to be without its answer and fulfillment, however hard to find it may be.”

-Your God is too Small byJ.B. Phillips

The Anti-Mensa Sentiment

Since school is about to start again I guess I should re-establish relations with my outlet for rambling since people don’t care to hear it. But the internet…makes..a..better…listener…?? Hopefully my friend that was oh-so kind as to google this won’t make frequent re-visits…not that I mind…but…It would make me self conscious. So sir, if you are going to visit my blog…just don’t inform me of it. :/

^{I Corinthians 8:1} Now as touching things offered unto idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth. ²And if any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know. ³But if any man love God, the same is known of him.

I was reading through my notebook of verses I have (or have tried to) memorized. I came across I Cor. 8:1-3 and thought, well what am I known for. According to what my dorm-mates anonymously wrote on the 3X5 card at the end of the semester, the following is it: “big words, intellectual, the brain, concerned for souls, artsy, smart, interesting dresser, a thinker, studious, respect u, flowy skirts, missions minded, thinks deeply, coffee, compassionately concerned about others, red head, coffee, amazing testimony, real. Great heart for the Lord and His word, great testimony, philosophy, smart, big words, deep, encouraging, coffee Xs 3, missions.” (I know this was a game and to be taken lightly, but I believe some wrote their true assessment of me.)

One may think: Well swell Amanda, pat yourself on the back and go join mensa.

I say, now look at I Corinthians 8:1-3 “If any man think that he knoweth any thing, he knoweth nothing yet as he ought to know.” I know nothing but what I should know and then a plethora of nonsense. “Big words, intellectual, smart, and studious” are NOT the words that should make up the bulk of my reputation! That means I am known for my fleshly indulgence that is my mind and not for the charity that is to be my mind on Christ.

“loves God” was not listed by my cohorts.

Colossians 2:8 warns, “Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.”

Beware of me. I do try to focus my conversation on the things of God…but if I approach this by the methods of philosophy then I am merely trying to focus on spiritual things via fleshly methods. And when I read those adjectives, I feel that is how I represented myself, and how I tried to approach the things of Christ. I tried to use my methods to draw minds to the things of God, but I realize that this was not my place. My place is to keep silent.

2 Tim. 2:23 “But foolish and unlearned questions avoid, knowing that they do gender strifes.” I am a freshman, thus stereotypically ‘foolish and unlearned’ the fact that I have an aura of understanding does not make me wise. My questions are perhaps best not discussed with my fellow cohort, but rather between me and God, who can supply all my needs and answer all my questions.

I know it is not important what people think about me; but I want people, when they think of Amanda, not to think of me, but to think of Christ. Is that still a self-centered concern?

It’s not about what people think of me, but what I make people think of Christ.

Post-Note: Interesting, I came across a verse about an hour later. Though not in this context, it stood out in my mind: (job 6:24-25 Teach me, and I will hold my toungue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred. How forcible are right words! But what doth your arguing reprove?”

Completely Unrelated: And I was asking God for a verse about something and look at what He gave me!: Romans 8: 26-39. I’m confident he wanted me to apply it to my question. Hah, what a fantastic passage to recieve in relation to the inquiry!

Sort-of Pertinent: HAHA, I know…post-note # 47, but look what else I found! Ps. 92:5-6 “Oh, LORD, how great are your works! Your thoughts are very deep. A senseless man does not know, Nor does a fool understand this.” …Would anyone else think that I randomly came upon this remarkable? (There was rhyme and reason to my coming upon this; I wasn’t just flipping open my Bible at random…I actually  opened my devotionalBible at random and these were the first things I came to (Romans 8 and Ps. 92, and Job 6)…All on the same page too! No extra flipping require!!!…I highly doubt that was just chance rather than providence

Note to Self

Die to self. Die to self. Oh die to self thou wretched fool! Why are you still living for the corporeal realm? Are you more infatuated with transient gain than the glory of the name of your Lord and Savior. He bled for you! And yet you dare meet your own needs, yet you dare serve for vain-glory! Oh you may say you serve a risen Savior-but you none other than a mere prevaricator! If you’ve done service for Jesus your King by all means elucidate…point to the eternal fruits of your labor. Show me the souls!! You may assure me, if you wish, that they exist, but are they disciples? Do you recall their names or faces…could they identify yours? No my idée fixe, no my self, neither you nor they could do so. You love your God, but you love yourself more. Oh darling is that too harsh? Then by all means-what master DO you serve? If it is Christ, then swear with one hand on your Bible and the other hand to God that you study to show yourself approved and not for grades and not because you want to hoard all the knowledge of truth that you can for your mind’s enhancement; honestly state that you are not concerned with men pleasing (this is why you were so bold for the name of Jesus among your cohorts-but of course).

You cannot. And why this guilt? Is it for your Savior’s sake you are abased, or is it because you have failed in YOUR spiritual life that you admit your shortcomings. It’s not about your spiritual life nor is it about your spiritual depth…it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with Jesus. If you truly wanted to pay homage to God then you would do everything by His power to not exist-To empty your physical body of every last repulsive ounce of your self and fill to the crevices with the Holy Spirit. You wouldn’t be concerned with what God wants FOR YOU, but you’d be concerned with God’s glory. The best you ever could be is a tool. The tool gets no glory, or is the work made for the tool, but the tool is used by the mighty craftsman. It cannot create, it cannot labor, it cannot destroy; only the wielder toils, only He is glorified, it is he that does the doing if anything is done at all. So tool, realize this: you will not do anything, the best you will be is be used to do something (but it is not you doing the doing it is the potter, oh ye clay).

My Cup and Cross

_I CANNOT WRITE POETY-but the poetry is not the point

Would I but die for Jesus

So that my life may be

A wholly devoted vessel

Consecrated, Lord, for Thee

Oh God, If I could but n’er count the cost

If I could but toil and not seek for rest

If I would labor for naught in vain

And then in death, glorify your name

 

Oh Lord this my prayer and my portion I pray it be

Lord use my life and yet still more my death for thee

Let me not devote my life and struggle for thy cause

Only to die for my own rest’s sake and have no divine resolve

Oh may my life be eternally living on this mortal earth

Oh may my death have as much potential as my birth

I am not worthy to have Your glory shine though me

But oh God, if Thou art willing, let this cup mine be

Until breathe fail

Or cities all desolve into the sea

This my ever earnest plee,

Here am ILord, Send me.